ATM with Bryan | 06

I’ve been feeling blankly lately; I don’t mean to say that I’m empty but yes, I do. These days I feel nothing, as if I’ve forgotten the definition of ‘emotion.’ I believe it’s normal to feel a variety of emotions every once in a while. Maybe I am trapped in a transitional phase in my life wherein I don’t know what to expect and what has yet to come. Therefore, the minor melancholy I am feeling right now is brought about by uncertainty. Probably, I’m losing track for a while and I feel like swinging–going with the flow but refusing to lose myself in the process. Yes, I have a tight grip on who I am.

I’ve said no to a lot of attempts to write another volume of ATM with Bryan. I have a lot of time but I’m waiting for a good time to write one. Plus, I can’t just simply post volumes after volumes; aside from the fact that it’ll be redundant, the blog will lose its essence. I have a lot of plans to accomplish this month and I can’t wait to share them with you but first, here’s a list of my at the moments. Happy scrolling!

CURRENTLY

Reading

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I have read this novel before but I wasn’t able to finish it for some reasons. I believe I’m halfway through it when I decided to quit reading (it almost 2 years ago). I missed reading novels like this one–classic ones, with Western setting and relies mainly on social standards and statuses. I have plans of buying poetry books (but there is a right time for it). I can’t wait!

Writing

Obviously, the 6th volume of ATM with Bryan. Fun fact: I write ATM with Bryan volumes in just one sitting. I’m keeping it intimate and personal–I don’t plan on what to write, I just type in what comes out of my head and that’s it, a blog in an instant (although I must reveal that it takes me a while to be on groove for writing). I’m looking forward to writing a novel this year! I’ll make it happen.

Listening

To Fifth Harmony’s 7/27 album–just the right tunes for chill nights and sweater weather (although I have no sweater with me; I wish I have one though). Me time + coffee + blog + good music on loop. It couldn’t get any better. I’ve downloaded 6 recently-released albums and I haven’t played all of them yet. I guess I’ll be killing time for them. I can never say no to good music.

Thinking

About what to eat? I’m at one of my favorite coffee shops right now. I brought my laptop with me so I can write while I’m taking sips off my drink. But on a serious note, there is a completely deep thought that dampens my head as of now but the sad thing is, I can’t fully take hold of it. It’s as if I need to (sort of) spend some more time before I can fully realize what’s in my head. One thing’s for sure: I will figure it out.

Smelling

The brewed smell of coffee and the relaxing atmosphere that surrounds me. It’s been a while since I last went out by my lonesome and I must admit that each day or night out alone is considered pricey for me. I love the smell of such places–pleasant yet enticing; not too fragrant yet relieving. All around me are frappuccinos and overhead light bulbs.

Wishing

for some things to be in perspective (for things to get better slowly, piece by piece). I’m willing to wait until the fog clears out and my path has been revealed. For some reasons (that I can’t disclose), I kept wishing for things to get better despite the fact that no matter how blatant I demand for them to be, they won’t until the right time has come for them to be. #waitingwaitingwaiting

Hoping

That whatever I am doing right now would be worthwhile. Right now, I’m prioritizing things that are worthy of being so. *crosses fingers that I’m making the right choices* I thought of fulfillment over ‘people’s reaction’ in everything I do–there ain’t no need to please people after all and what I’m after is the joy I get in what I do. I hope to live the life I deserve.

Wearing

a white v-neck shirt, a pair of jeans and a pair of black sneakers – just the simplest of all combis for a night out alone (although I have to admit that this look is much of a downfall when you’re really desperate to go out). Apparently, I haven’t brought all my favorite clothes to the dorm so I can pick the right combi each time I go out. Well, I really am fond of night outs and spontaneous ganaps and not even lack of clothes could stop me from the hell of it, my bad.

Loving

Myself now more than ever (or maybe I’m just making it look like) but I’m dead serious. Now is the time to do so. I mean, if no one loves me that much (aside from the Lord of course) then I better do, right? It isn’t hell to spend time on yourself–productive things for self-betterment, gravitated towards introvertion. For a while, I lost faith in myself and began thinking that I’m a failure (not enough in other people’s calibration and it sucked the best and worst out of me). Feeling that ‘I’m-not-that-good-enough’ is the worst goddamn thing in the world. Ever.

Wanting

More moolah to spend on cravings. and books. and clothes. Ugh! I just suck real bad at budgeting. You should know how ‘bad’ it feels when you ain’t got wise money-spending-saving decisions. Man, money matters should be taken seriously though. But soon, I will be starting a good habit that (I hope) will help me with regards to this matter. *crosses fingers again*

Needing

Probably balance in all things. You know what I mean; everyone needs a sense of balance (literally, physically, figuratively, etc). I had a conversation earlier with an acquaintance and ‘balance’ surfaced out of the exchange of view. Due to the fact that I want a change in lifestyle, I kept losing balance in my priorities. Yes, my bad. Again and again.

Feeling

All sorts of emotions but in small and bearable intensities (I’d like to say quantities but it’s awfully inappropriate). I believe it’s normal (just like what I said earlier) but it’s extra harder to feel this way this time since the last time I felt such way was long ago. Now, I seem to have unlearned how to deal with it but I’m trying to remain optimistic, for I believe that optimism is a way out this bullshit. #positivityisthekey

How about you? I hope y’all are starting the week/A.Y. on a good note.

PS. Bear with me for being too talkative. I didn’t expect this entry to be this long though. If you bother reading, I have to thank you big time. *winks*

Bry x 081516

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