As the V-Day approaches (narito na ang ‘Love month’), I thought of posting an entry on my blog regarding love. I just want to (sort of) have a salute to love–maiba naman from my usual entries. Plus, I barely talk about love, right? So I just thought of writing about it–my perspective about love–and we’re talking about perfect timing here. But hold up, your dreams of reading something about my view about love will be put on a sudden halt. Nope. Not this time (may tamang panahon para d’yan). I’m writing about the other side of it, the heartbreaking and miserable one. Hay, adjectives pa lang, masakit na.
Yes, I exchanged writing about love for something timely and urgent–moving on. Now that Valentine’s Day is near, we might as well brace ourselves for posts about bitterness, #walangforever, taken for granted, etc. Well, V-Day is supposed to be celebrated with the people/person we love–relationship status ain’t a big deal. #checkthelabel The day is supposed to be a celebration of love (setting aside gender, age, race and labels) but for some reasons, some of us aren’t celebrating with anyone–talk about singles. Even if I’m not one of them, I (think I) know how it feels to be in their position. But first, Happy Valentines everyone! #spreadthelove
This entry is basically for the singles and the brokenhearted out there. Trust me, I’ve been in that phase before–let’s just say that I’ve been careless. For the record, I’m spending V-Day with someone (quiet lang kayo, baka ma-jinx)! Here comes the season of bouquets of flowers, chocolates, banners, balloons, and so on. Sweet as it seems but love does not revolve around those stuffs–love is something deeper than that and those (material) things can merely express love. While a lot of people are spending it with their partners and/or loved ones, there are also some of us who are celebrating it alone–being alone on Valentines doesn’t suck at all. #loveyourself
Single by chance or by choice–it doesn’t matter. But to drive it home, how to spend V-Day when you’re brokenhearted? (ICYMI: Some of my friends are in this phase at the moment and so I gave up writing a sweet slash cheesy entry in exchange of this). Some of my friends have asked me that question–too bad, it’s been a while since I last celebrated the Hearts Day by my lonesome. Okay, let’s get to the bottom of this. Paano ba mag-move on? I may be young but I’ve entered relationships and had been in that phase for quite some time. Basically, what do I know about love?
Well, I’ve left/broken up with a girlfriend twice and have been left hanging by a girl twice–so it’s an equal win-loss record. I’ve had ups and downs when it comes to love but I’m not sure if my experiences are enough for me to talk about this matter. I’m not a love guru either but for some apparent reasons, a number of friends come to me and ask for pieces of advice.
“How to deal with a breakup?”
“Should I hold on or let go?”
“What am I going to do if I’m not happy anymore?”
“How can you tell if your partner is cheating on you?”
Those are just some of the questions I get along with the aforementioned one–paano ba mag-move on? In order to make things clearer, let’s take both sides (since na-experience ko naman pereho).
When I broke up with a girlfriend before, my (real and exact) reason is because I’ve had enough–sawa factor to be precise. When you’ve been in a relationship for so long, it is almost improbable to take it a notch up or to the next level. That got me thinking, “siguro hanggang dito na lang talaga.” At first, she treated me like I was at the bottom of her priorities–it’s fine since I can’t prioritize her as well (so parang quits lang). Soon enough, I got used to it and unconsciously, my feelings for her faded. Then there came the time that she can (finally) prioritize me and make me feel important but too bad, it’s too late for us since I’ve had enough of us. You know it–pag ayaw mo na, when you’re just trying to make things work but in reality, you’re merely pretending that you’re still in love (when the truth is, hindi na). It sucks to leave someone hanging as well especially if you have conscience and you want to make it up to them but believe it or not, it’s a difficult decision to let go and somehow, a wise one too. It takes a lot of courage to leave something behind–not to mention, asking for forgiveness. One thing’s for sure: nagmomove on din ang mga nang-iwan (fact, take it from me).
When I was left alone, it felt like the world crashed down on me–not exaggerating. Emotional pain transcends to physical pain (sumakit yung puso ko, literal although I don’t know a scientific study that can prove it). We were okay at the very beginning until there came a moment of realization that she is NOT the kind of girl I need. It is very hard to admit it to myself that I made a wrong choice and the things that I look forward to in a relationship–usual elements like trust, respect and understanding–are not quite present. Still, I went on with it (despite being cold and losing interest) even though I’m not fully satisfied. Then there came a point when she met someone who, I suppose she thinks, is better than me–that even if she barely knew the guy, she dumped me for someone she just met. (Not to mention my inconsistencies as a partner brought about by lack of interest) Some of our friends also advised her to leave me. There are also those who smothered into our relationship. Even if she didn’t tell me, I knew it–she was cheating on me. I know the breakup is bound to happen so during the last week(s) of our relationship, I made myself ready for it. It goddamned hurt but I was able to move on.
The point is: relationships are fragile. Relationships are more complex than math equations or chemical substances–it is something that can’t be defined/explained by words alone. With outside forces, relationships, no matter how long, have a breakable nature. Commitment is a BIG word; that’s why we should choose wisely whether we should enter something or not. We can’t date to fool around for it is something that is intimate and serious. #babala There are a lot of factors to consider in getting into a relationship with someone (even if you intensely love each other, sometimes love just ain’t enough to sustain a connection). But no matter what the setup is, remember that it is NORMAL to get hurt for it is a side effect of love–if love doesn’t come with pain, it is not love in the first place.
So here it goes, things didn’t work out for the both of you and it all lead to a breakup. Perhaps…
The relationship is not working.
You/your partner is not happy anymore.
You/your partner is cheating on one side.
You/your partner did not love each other to begin with.
You/your partner changed (for the better naman sana).
You/your partner want to be free.
You/your partner can’t fulfill each other’s needs.
You/your partner is toxic to the other.
You/your partner keep on hurting each other unintentionally.
Somebody stuck his/her nose in and destroyed everything.
*more reasons and many more*
Whatever the reason is, you don’t deserve to be mistreated. You don’t deserve a bad relationship–no matter who you are or what you have done. This may be a cliché but everything happens for a reason–it may not be clear now but eventually, things will fall into place. You are off to a better disposition in life. You may have to experience some amount of pain to get to the ‘better place’ but in due time, it will make sense and none of these things would matter. May nakatakda para sa’yo (there’s someone out there who you deserve and deserves you back)!
Pero paano ba talaga mag-move on? Apparently, there are a lot of online articles and people (psychologists, mostly) claiming that they’ve come up with specific steps in order to move on but, that’s a MYTH–there’s no apparent prescribed way of moving on from a vulnerable phase of heartbreak and what works for one may not work for another and vice versa. As a proof to that, not all of us have experienced the same kind or level of broken heartedness (in fact, there are worse slash more severe cases). But as for me, I have formulated (formulated talaga, scientist lang?) five key steps or tips into moving on.
1. Grief/Sadness. It badly hurts for you in the very beginning–you don’t have to tell me how horrible it is. But then, go ahead and feel your sadness. Cry if you want, nobody can stop you (although I don’t cry much, or maybe not at all–not worth the tears e). Release all the anger and let it all out to avoid grudge feelings. Take your time in being miserable but don’t overdue–yung sakto lang. Every once in a while, it’s alright to feel down and out (bilog ang mundo bes). Just make sure that after all the vulnerability or so, you’ll be okay. #timeheals
2. Acceptance. Acceptance will always be the key. It’s over and you’re left alone? Face it, accept it! You’re not the only one feeling sadness out of 7 billion people in the world. Accept things that are beyond your control. Sabi nga, everything happens for a reason (and soon enough, you’ll figure it all out). Accept the fact that you are meant for something/someone better. Accept the fact that things like your relationship have to fall apart for better things to come together. Sabi nga ni Barbie Forteza, ‘to new beginnings.’ Nangyari na ang nangyari and crying out or begging for love will never bring back anything–it’s time to move forward.
3. Letting Go. It’s not that easy to let go especially if you’ve been together for so long. There are a lot of memories and sweet moments to keep but you need to stop holding on to things like those (it is not healthy to live in the past). For one last time: scroll through your pictures, read old messages, open up past gifts and every little fragment or reminder of your past. Then, delete them; throw them away–or if you don’t want to, keep them somewhere far away from you. Let go of everything that reminds you of the relationship because one day, you’ll look back and none of these messages/photos will matter. Sabi nga, tatawanan mo na lang.
4. Divert your Focus. Go back to who you are before the relationship. This has got to be the most effective tip/step for me–I went back to blogging, read some novels, saw some movies and went out with friends. You made it through years of life with him/her, you can do it again. Discover your passion and find your fire. Whatever it is that you want to do, do it (kahit magpunta ka pa sa moon)! You’ve got a whole world and life ahead of you (in fact, you have the entire universe lol) to spend and have fun. Sabi nga ni Jess Glynne, ‘don’t be so hard on yourself.’ Breathe and enjoy the good things in life.
5. Pray. Praying will always be the best counterbalance to whatever pain or heartache that we feel. In fact, this should always be the very beginning of the process (although I put it last because it is the most important of all). Have faith in the Lord! Have faith in yourself! He loves you more than anyone and He has great plans for you. Pray for all the good stuffs and bright things that are ahead of you. Hope for the best–even for your ex (ipagdasal mo kahit labag sa loob mo). Pray for all the negativity that dampens you to go away and embrace positivity. Sabi nga ni Little Nanay, ‘happy lang!’
Moving on is a process so take your time to heal. Hindi sa isang iglap e makakamove on ka na! Sabi nga nila, 3-month rule–although you can hardly concise the process in 90 days, right? If you love and respect yourself, do it (you wouldn’t want to be sad for long right?) and have the strength to move forward. Past is past, mga bes! Why stay stuck in the past when you have a bright tomorrow waiting for you? O ano, mahal mo pa? Open up your eyes to the endless possibilities. Baka may chance pang magwork out? No, never run back to what broke you. Note: You can’t find happiness in the place that you lost it. If your partner really loves you, then why did he/she allow these things to happen to you or to your relationship?
Whatever it is that you feel, feel free to release it. Sabi nga nila, ‘wag mong kimkimin!’ That is how you move on from a heartbreak–but don’t let them know that you’re still affected (they will take it against you). Life goes on, mga bes! Embrace a new start and now is the right time. Mahirap ma-in love–so you have to be careful the next time you fall in love. You don’t need a ‘rebound’ or someone just to prove that you are not alone (just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you’re lonely). And mind you, never use someone to feed your fantasies or for benefit–karma is real. Never play with someone’s feelings the same way that your ex did to you.
So, the next time you fall in love, keep a promise to yourself–that you will take every lesson you’ve learned in the past to make your next relationship better. But first, moving on has to take its toll (be patient, dadating din ang ‘tamang panahon’). But when the time comes that you’ll finally fall in love again, take the chance! (more especially if you know that it’s worth the risk). Who knows, this might be the love that you deserve. You deserve to smile again. *winks* Pero sabi nga nina Ylona at Bailey, ‘wag hanapin ang pag-ibig, ito’y darating sa’yo.’
True love is not romantic (not that cheesy or sweet). What you see on the screen, is not love in the real world. Love has a shadow side and if you have experienced love, it’s not characterized by kilig–not the way we thought it would. But one thing I know, when you’re in love, you know it. From my experience, love is a deep emotion–so deep that it can take a good grip on you. When you love someone, you accept that person for whoever he or she is–no judgment, no if’s, no but’s but purely acceptance. It’s a take-it-or-leave-it matter for some reasons. Love in the real world is not like the movies–not your typical boy meets girl kind of story, not even close. So be careful with your own heart, being in a relationship is no joke.
Love has no standards (take it from me, since I’ve been there). I used to have a rigid and straight view about love–that you’ll only fall for someone your type and the man/girl of your dreams. But somehow, my recent experiences in love has proven that love conquers all. Don’t worry; someone is on the way (baka natraffic lang, EDSA feels mga bes). Besides, don’t rush–hindi naman required na laging may lovelife. Work on a better you, so that when the time comes that true love knocks at your door, you can be the right person for your future partner. But for now, enjoy the perks of being single. *smiles*
This Valentine’s Day, have fun–by your lonesome or with good company, whatever works. Destroy the idea that you need someone to feel happy and worthy (self-worth, remember? It’s called SELF-worth on purpose). Go out with your friends and/or family. Go see a movie or spend the day out with your bestf. Or if you want to stay locked up in your room and get the rest that you deserve. Whatever you want to do on V-Day, go for it–as long as you’re happy and you’re not doing anything (or even causing harm) bad. V-Day is not just for people who are in love or in a relationship (like me); it’s a day of love and hearts so go ahead and fulfill your heart’s desire.
I hope you’re spending the Hearts Day with the people that you love the most! Happy Valentines, everyone!
PS. Sa mga brokenhearted dyan, you guys know what to do. Smile!
Bry. x 010516